探索身份交織：一位雙性戀女性與邊緣性人格障礙的共生之路

A few weeks ago, I stumbled across a study on the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) population in the LGBTQIA+ community. It really made me stop and think because even though I'm a bisexual woman and have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder for years, I've never really made the connection between these two aspects of my identity. However, as I read this study and thought about my life, I realized that these two aspects of my identity overlap in the most painful way.

身為雙性戀女性，生活中難免會遭到拒絕和嘲笑。人們在得知我的性取向後就與我保持距離，而其他人則乾脆否認雙性戀的有效性。我收到過充滿「火與硫磺」宗教胡言亂語的電子郵件，以及社群媒體對我「生活方式選擇」的評論。在我二十多歲時決定「正式出櫃」後，我甚至失去了大學十年的朋友。

同樣的事情也發生在我的邊緣人格診斷上——人們要么因為附帶的恥辱而逃之夭夭，要么質疑我的治療團隊評估的有效性。網路上完全陌生的人說我不如死了，並用「怪物」和「邪惡」等字眼來形容我。就連我遇到的同樣患有精神健康問題的朋友也把我的診斷當作武器，或者用它作為藉口來貶低我康復多年後的情況。

正如你可以想像的那樣，這種針對我身份多個方面的對待只會加劇我對被遺棄的嚴重恐懼、不穩定的自我意識和自殺意念。曾幾何時，我希望自己能夠簡單地“選擇做直人”或“不再邊緣化”，但當然，不可能像一雙舊襪子一樣簡單地丟棄自己。

For better or worse, neither part of my identity is something I choose to put up with, which means I can't throw them away. (Believe me, I tried.)

However, in true Marsha Linehan fashion, I don't think that having Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and being part of the LGBTQIA+ community is a bad thing at all. In fact, I think that for all the pain and problems these aspects of myself have caused, they have also brought a lot of light into my life.

For example, I think both of these "labels" have helped me connect with people who have truly enriched my life. Because people with Borderline Personality Disorder face a lot of judgment and ridicule, they often find ways to band together, form a community, and care for each other. I've seen this happen on social media platforms and in BPD Safe Zone groups. The same thing happens in the LGBTQIA+ community, such as the local lesbian bar that my partner and I frequent. For all the rejection and abandonment I've faced, I've also counteracted it in these amazing safe spaces.

I've also found that embracing this aspect of myself has ultimately helped me to live a more authentic and fulfilling life. For so long, I felt the need to hide who I was, but it was mentally exhausting and the cognitive dissonance led to severe emotional distress. Now that I've learned to accept myself completely, I feel more relaxed and happy than ever before, and it's been an amazing experience.

You may not fit into either of the neighborhoods I've mentioned, but I think many of us have experienced the dichotomy of "good vs. bad" or "dark vs. light" in many aspects of our identity. While it can be painful and troubling at times, I also think that embracing ourselves can ultimately bring us happiness - but you have to be willing to show up day in and day out. Because, as Brené Brown says, "You're imperfect, you were born with the desire to struggle, but you deserve love and a sense of belonging ......" even if you're a cool kid with BPD, like me.