Exploring Bisexual Identity: Sharing Your True Self with Your Partner

Welcome to Point B, the monthly Kool Advice column for your personalized gender, relationship and dating questions that Google can't answer. Submit your burned homosexuality questions to our candid Kool Kids editorial team: (email protected) Point B appears every third week of the month.

Dear Becky.

After much self-reflection, I have come to the conclusion that I am bisexual. (Despite my complete lack of experience with the same sex.) Maybe a part of me always knew I was gay, but that was confirmed when I started to obsess over my yoga instructor. She's so beautiful, but heartbreaking. (But not in a jealous way! In an "I want to kiss your face" kind of way.) But here's the thing: I'm married.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. We've been together for eight years now (we met in college). And I have no intention of acting on this infatuation. However, it has triggered some mixed feelings. Is it wrong for me to want to "discover" my coolness? What does that look like in my case? And, here's the thing: How do I come out to my husband?

I don't think he'll be angry or hurt, but I do believe he'll want to know why I decided to bring it up now. The thing is, silly infatuation aside, I don't know why I'm suddenly obsessed with learning more about this part of myself. Ideally, I'd like to understand these newfound needs before I make this crazy attempt at our relationship. I was worried that I was creating something out of nothing and that I should keep this new information a secret. But then, another part of me felt like I wanted to share all of myself with my husband.

What should I do?

Love.

So I can cry.

Dear So Bi, I might cry.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to discover your coolness. Not at all. No matter what your past experiences with same-sex (or lack thereof) have been, your bisexuality is an important part of who you are. This question makes me happy, because in your confusing thoughts and feelings, it's clear that you're starting to tap into that little queer person who's been itching to crawl out of the closet. biCon Carly Torres would be proud.

I would like to express how very common your situation is. Late bloomers - and I use that term loosely because there is no timetable when it comes to sex - are everywhere. I think there is some kind of coincidence in being gay and behind schedule. Have late bloomers in monogamous relationships ever had a clock in their lives?

Studies have shown that over 80% of bisexuals in long-term partnerships have had partners of different genders. I point this out to show you that you are not the only one experiencing this. (If you don't believe this study, keep visiting Reddit.)

If digging into your sexuality doesn't bring up some inspiring complicated feelings. It's not easy to realize that you might have a thing (or 100) for someone of a similar gender. When you were practicing yoga 2-3 times a week, why are you now practicing 10 times a week? It's confusing and costly. We need to figure this out.

Just because you're in a committed lifelong relationship doesn't mean you'll never find anyone attractive again. Truth be told, gender aside, a "stupid crush" feels more appropriate and permissible. Getting married doesn't mean you'll never feel anything again; it means you'll choose your partner over and over again. You said it yourself: you have no intention of acting on this crush. I don't see the downside (except for the weekly classes on your credit card bill).

I think you're having trouble with wanting to explore your bisexuality, but feeling like your marriage is an obstacle. Of course, if you are interested in having a sexual or non-platonic relationship with a woman, then this may be true, but exploring your sexuality doesn't have to rely solely on sex. Exploring your sexuality can be as simple as creating a cool community, attending cool events, reading cool literature or pornography, watching cool shows, watching cool porn, and more. Who it is. Except for La Word Supremacy: Generation Q, that program will only give you a bad migraine.

I will assume (for the sake of science) that you may be a little curious about having sex with someone of the same sex, and if you are, please don't blame yourself. I don't believe fantasy or curiosity is cheating. If you ask me, it's 100% okay for your mind to travel there. If over time - and I know this isn't the case for you right now - those thoughts become real wishes, know that no one in life realizes all their fantasies. Dare I say that no one ever realizes all their wishes? You can grieve these experiences just as you would grieve any other relationship outside of your partner. Try not to (easier said than done) assume that the analysis is distracting you from your existing romantic relationships. You don't need to have sex (or any romantic experience) with a woman to be bisexual. Finding your yoga teacher sexy is enough, and frankly, it should be a right of passage for bisexuality.

The first thing that can help you understand your sexuality and fully accept it is to tell your husband. You can't afford to worry about nothing when this is a big deal. It's a beautiful event that any respectable partner would celebrate. From the sound of it, your husband has your full support. That's all anyone can ask for. When you choose to come out is none of his business. As I mentioned, late bloomers don't have a clock, so it's not your fault.

How you come out is entirely up to you. There is no right way. I understand that you may want to take a moment to feel your feelings before sharing this with him, and that's fine. Take all the time you need (a few extra yoga classes might help), but there is never a "right" time. It's just something to spit out one day when you feel most comfortable.

Dating the opposite sex does not eliminate your coolness. Dating someone doesn't mean you're only attracted to one person, it's necessary to explore "this part of yourself". You'll be grateful for it in the future.

XX.

seat of honor